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Category Archives: On Love

I’ve been thinking about confidence lately. And how the ladies like or are more turned on by a confident man. But if self doubt is necessary for the striving for Truth and living of our individual truth then self-confidence, especially too much of it, is the opposite of truth seeking and can be considered a form of violence and death.

I had a dream recently, and it was about Love. I was with a girl and we were going around doing things and hanging out. But when it came to the end of the dream, a song by Meat Loaf popped up and I sang this:

I would do anything for Love,
O I would do anything for Love!
But I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that.

Hopefully, by the time you finish reading this you will understand the purpose of this dream. And what it means for me and all of us.

“…in order to understand ourselves we need a great deal of humility. If you start by saying, `I know myself’, you have already stopped learning about yourself; or if you say, `There is nothing much to learn about myself because I am just a bundle of memories, ideas, experiences and traditions’, then you have also stopped learning about yourself. The moment you have achieved anything you cease to have that quality of innocence and humility; the moment you have a conclusion or start examining from knowledge, you are finished, for then you are translating every living thing in terms of the old. Whereas if you have no foothold, if there is no certainty, no achievement, there is freedom to look, to achieve. And when you look with freedom it is always new. A confident man is a dead human being.”
– J.Krishnamurti (Freedom from the Known)

So, in regards to dating Women; What is the Man, who doesn’t want to be a dead human being, to do?

Can he really be with a Woman of today, if she is like this? That is to say, who looks specifically for a Man, who, being confident, merely fits into his society and so is never truly free? And who, if she doesn’t, herself, acknowledge that she is projecting from knowledge and conclusions, can therefore be considered not free and also then, not helpful in regards to Humanities higher purpose or calling?

For if the higher purpose of Humanity, is to “Know Thyself”, and if knowing thyself requires one to admit that we do not know ourselves…then what is the “new” Man, or “Present” Man to do? (Present, is here being taken as “on time”, or aware of Humanities new situation)

What can we say about Women, who, being stuck in the past, and not present, because they want a “confident” man, i.e. want a Man who makes them feel secure and safe. To help make them feel confident through his confidence. What can we say about Women, who want a Man who is certain of himself? Who themselves want comfort and security over the Truth, and the striving for it?

Can we ask this? Can Women acknowledge the new situation and properly step up to the plate? Are we “Men” forever having to give in to, what could be called–which I would prefer not to have to say–the “weakness” of Woman?

Can women face the uncomfortableness of truth, or will they always want to feel secure and therefore shun it? For if, as wisdom says, Happiness comes from within not without, then how can woman, consciously, seek a partner who will hide them from the truth and allow them to live an illusion?

I mean, if this is the “new” situation; that we have to be lacking in certainty, to be full of self-doubt, or rather, to maintain that innocence of the child; who is open to anything because he never thinks he actually knows for sure; confidently.

Am I missing the proper understanding of Confidence? Is there something that is hidden from me in regards to Woman? Supposedly, she, wants to be free and treated more equally. Well, if that is the case, and Women have a “new” demand based on their “new” situation. Then so do we Men, now have a “demand”, which really isn’t “our” demand but one based on the Truth. That we need you to work with us. That if you want to be “equal”, that you too have to change and adapt and strive for truth. That you too, have to share the weight and burden of “not knowing”, of uncertainty. That you, can no longer shift the responsibility onto us. Can no longer judge us from the past and what you have concluded is being “confident”.

In the past, you were sheltered by the Patriarchal. And this sheltering, that allowed you to remain freer from hardship, has also held you down. The situation has changed. And what once was helpful, to both Men and Women, has now been stifling you. And you, in your turn, being more reactive than responsive, have contributed to the disruption of the Family. Of the foundation of relationship between the sexes and therefore, also, within all Relationship. We, too, have not been very helpful. We also reacted to your reaction instead of responding. We are both at fault and yet, we are both free from blame. For, we both, do not know. And we both, are having issues coming to terms with the new situation. With having to forego a “foothold”. To having to be open and think and feel anew in every moment. For, just because someone says something or does something, that in the past, hurt us, does not mean that it should in this new moment. That just because I feel a certain way doesn’t mean that my feeling is a proper response to the new situation. And this also applies to Thinking, that just because, what I see, looks similar enough to a previous situation does not mean that I can, without re-thinking or re-looking, assume a conclusion or apply a solution that I have had or used before.

In this sense, the desire for security, comfort; a safe haven, as J.Krishnamurti would say, is precisely what keeps us from the Truth, and from real relationship. We conform or run away. We keep things easy and light. We are afraid and we won’t face the fear. It is easy to judge and then run. It is hard to maintain uncertainty and meet each person and situation fresh, anew, free from past conclusions and ideas.

This has to be done together. I can’t stress this enough. I am not capable of always and forever maintaining the tension that creates the freedom to look, with living eyes, into every new situation and moment. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep or maybe, for you, it is that time of the month.

Part of Relationship is to help each other “Know Thyself” and to understand what “self-knowledge” really means: That we “do not know”. That I am, we are, changeable, within a continuum of constantly changing relationships. And through this continuum of change within relationship we have to acknowledge each other and all of our relationships.

Our relationship with the Whole; the Universe, which we seem to have named God, or Cosmic Spirit. With each other. With our own selves. With Ideas.

But perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps this is merely the end of a previous situation and relationship. Perhaps there has finally been a revolution and this scribbling signifies my resultant liberation. Regardless, the point was to make you think, as this dilemma has made me think.

solitudinus

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I think everyone should ask themselves this…

If we, as everyone tends to assume, are changeable; then what would have to be the core of our Being?

Let’s say the core of our being was decided. That we “knew” who we were….would we then be able to change?

If a tree were to become hard and inflexible in the middle…would it be able to bend and not break under a strong wind?

Really dislike people trying to figure me out…Ie. put me in a box from their limited experience and narrow consciousness.
If you really want to see someone, drop your Self; your ideas, your judgements, your built up experiences, assumptions….in short free yourself from your knowledge and conditioning. Then and only then can you see someone for who they really are…and not through the narrow limited window of what you think you know.

I had a general “feeling” one could say, that something like this has, is, and probably will happen so I decided to voice my dislike. I mean, doesn’t everyone share this feeling at least once?

Be like an Uncarved Block:

The Chinese word “Pu” is often translated as “the uncarved block,” and refers to a state of pure potential which is the primordial condition of the mind before the arising of experience. The Taoist concept of Pu points to perception without prejudice, i.e. beyond dualistic distinctions such as right/wrong, good/bad, black/white, beautiful/ugly.
But this should apply to everyone. If everyone attempted this and remained open it would help a lot in getting everyone to turn towards wholeness.

“There is truth, my boy. But the doctrine you desire, absolute, perfect dogma that alone provides wisdom, does not exist. Nor should you long for a perfect doctrine, my friend. Rather, you should long for the perfection of yourself. The deity is within you, not in ideas and books. Truth is lived, not taught.”
― Hermann Hesse, The Glass Bead Game

What I am attempting here is to bring something up into consciousness. To help it into our sight.

The core of our Being, unknowable, speaks and shows.

We don’t have to be stuck or limited, in the normal sense of the word. Holding onto the I, me, mine causing nothing but separation, division does not lead to the open field of play.

And in this sense, and pretty much only this sense, can “I” judge. Can I “dislike”. Because I put the Open first, and only because I put the open first, can I judge that which is not open and dislike it.

For I must always acknowledge, within myself, that I am unknowable, beyond words, thoughts, ideas, and that this extends to everyone, everything. So how can I, with my labels and ideas about you, ever really hold them to be true?

Wouldn’t I be selfish if I did? I mean, am I for the open? Do I want to play or do I want to rule?”

solitudinus

Part of an email correspondence…

That isn’t quite what I am looking for. And while I do seem to have some resentment towards a particular girl, I’m not quite looking for the way out. As I see it, while one is still within whatever it is they are experiencing, they have a great opportunity to bring to words what it is like while you are in the midst of the anger or resentment…in a sense I’m looking to create a history of resentment. In this way resentment can be prevented instead of having to be “cured” after the fact. Actually one of the best paths to overcoming or undergoing a situation or emotion, from my experience, is to turn it into a sort of mission…for example I have given myself the mission of getting to the bottom of relationships, in general, and to attempt to come to see how these “misconceptions” or projections both sexes place on top of each other come to destroy relationship.

The number one thing seems to be ignorance of ourselves, that we project from society and not just from archetypes what we think each other should be and how a relationship should be…How we have defined the word Love for ourselves and of a much too judgmental attitude when it appears someone is not living up to “our” definition of love. Plus women, seem to make the same mistake over and over…they rely on their friends and other people outside of the relationship to make them feel better or stronger in their position. Which I can see why they would want to do this, however, the relationship in question is no longer between her and her man, it is now between her, her friends, and then her man. In this sense she has already switched loyalties and is actually no longer in the same relationship she was with said man. It should always be worked out together. The people involved have to workout their own definitions together. To help clarify I will use a wedding as an example: when the father of the bride hands over his daughter to her soon to be husband…this is a symbolic gesture of handing her from one Order or definition of love and life to another. She is literally being given to another man and taken into his “world” where there will be new or different definitions and rules for conduct. That is of course only the beginning of the new relationship; if it is to become a unique and individual relationship tailored to the two unique people, who will be growing into individuals together, and therefore not subject to the common, narrowed, graspings of relationship held by society, then it will ultimately go through emotional transformation(s).

See, my definition of love is more based on the ability to work through any situation that may arise…for example cheating…just because a woman cheated on me doesn’t necessarily mean I would end the relationship or leave her. If we had already talked about such things and we both decided that it was something that neither of us would do then it is all on her and I can walk away knowing I did nothing really wrong…but that doesn’t mean I would. I understand that sometimes, and even though it will hurt, people can and will get caught or confused and so make the wrong choices. So if she truly was sorry and was or had really learned from the experience then Love demands of me to work through this with her. So, for me, Love doesn’t get in the way, it always wants to save the whole of a person and not limit them to a narrow common pre-judged conception. Which, of course, would only happen when I am insecure and therefore lost in the past and under the influence of misdirected emotion…ie. no longer aware of what really is.

In my personal experience the girl in question would tell me the opposite of what she really seemed to want, that there were other guys, she made a point to bring up a huge coffee cup that had the words “Bigger is better” and while she brought that up she seemed to be examining me to see how I would respond…luckily I was able to express no concern…although in that moment I turned inward and obviously still remember. I wish I could remember more, I will try to, but the question from Nietzsche always comes up…”do women really want to know about themselves?” But if I am remembering properly, from that time, it seems she was trying to hurt me and to test me. This could have been her way of trying to keep me at a distance and to maintain a sort of invulnerability. But those very actions seem to have created a sort of attachment because when I started listening to the things she was saying and started spending time with someone else she seemed to get hurt. And within this confused situation I attempted to get to the bottom of things and wanted to talk through it and wanted her to let me in…and she just wanted to drop it all and seemingly judged the state of our relationship purely emotionally.

Obviously I’m not perfect either; it still remains to be seen what my words and actions were as well. But I don’t think it is wrong for me to want to get to the bottom and to help bring to light the misdeeds of relationship.

Seen narrowly our relationship started with me helping her become more comfortable in a bathing suit and ends with her attacking my self-esteem.

Frankly, I think opening all this up would help both sexes. Particularly so if women will also come forward and bring to light the things we men do…then we could work together. But first we need to become aware of each others positions and the ways we encounter and face fear. And since I am a man I will start with our position:

So as depth Psychology says; we men, to become men, have to heroically separate ourselves from our mother, which also and therefore includes emotions…then we men are obviously kind of like little boys when it comes to going through the process of consciously re-integrating emotion back into ourselves. Which is where we would need your love the most. For we separate ourselves when we are young and so would still be somewhat at a child’s level of awareness of our emotions. Therefore wouldn’t the only thing that would help us be the loving support of a woman? Wouldn’t you then be able to help us with the very thing that seems to be a characteristic of womanhood and femininity? Shouldn’t you women be the ones to help us change? Does not transformation happen through emotion? And, on the other side, do you not like being more grounded and stable when we men help clear things up by shining light upon things that were dark and scary and hidden in shadow…ie. do you not see more clearly now that I have shown you our position and, in a sense, what is being asked of you?

solitudinus and teachers

Of all people you are the nearest to my soul, and the nearest to my heart, and our souls and hearts have never quarreled. Only our thoughts have quarreled, and thought is acquired, it is derived from the environment, from what we see in front of us, from what each day brings to us; but soul and heart formed a sublime essence in us long before our thoughts. The function of thought is to organize and arrange, and this is a good function and necessary for our social lives, but it has no place in the life of the heart and soul. ‘If we should quarrel here after we must not go our separate ways.’ Thought can say this despite being the cause of all quarreling, but it cannot utter one word about love, nor is it able to measure the soul in terms of words, nor to weigh the heart in the scales of its logic.

– Gibran (Letter to May Ziadeh)